Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sizing up the Ranjas and the Caps

Well tomorrow is the day that most of us will fish out our unwashed, mustard-stained game jerseys, ignore our wives/girlfriends and seriously think about telling your boss both your parents were kidnapped by Samoli pirates to see if you can stay home the entire week. I’m pumped.

CLS will provide match-up coverage throughout the playoffs and I’m the lucky bastard that drew the Rangers/Capitals first round tussle.

On Tap:

No. 2 Washington Capitals (50-24-8) Versus No. 7 New York Rangers (43-30-9)

Playoff History:

Capitals: The new century hasn’t exactly been a friend the Capitals. Since the Red Wings made quick work of them in 1998, they didn’t get back into the Brackets until 2000 and have yet to make it past the first round despite having Calder/Pearson/Rocket/Hart/Ross bad ass Alex Oven.

Rangers: This appearance makes the fourth straight play off appearance for the Rangers but more importantly NY coach John Tortorella returns his wacky bag of Jedi mind tricks that were surely responsible for the Lightning somehow winning a Cup.

What to watch for:

Nicklas Backstrom’s Taco Platter Talent: Sure Ovechkin gets all the chicks but there’s nothing wrong with fucking the fallout. Despite occasionally acting like a dumb swede, Backstrom comes into the series with 66 assists (most by any player in the series and second only to the Geno/Crosby express league-wide) and an above average 16 +/-.

Lundqvist could have his moments, but only if the Caps eventually penatrate the Ranger defense (as expected): This match up creates every sports’ yak favorite cliché, good offense against a strong defense. The Caps have undeniably one of they most exciting offenses in the NHL with Alexander Semin, and the aforementioned Ovechkin and Backstrom along with Mike Green who somehow acquired an absurd 73 points for a defenseman without anyone noticing. And although the Ranger’s defense is tighter than an Amish vagina, I feel safe in saying that Marc Staal will eventually realize he’s slower in the foot than Ovechkin and the rest of the Rangers will wear down. So If the Rangers wish to poo poo on every taco platter that the Capitals will serve, it will ultimately fall to Lundqvist to anchor this team and steal a W or two in the series.

Sean Avery’s Bitch-Assness: Being a fellow unapologetic asshole, I’ve always been an Avery proponent. I was the only guy laughing at the bar when he did his Bob Kearns impression against the Devils last year. And I felt a little bad for him when he got suspended for the sloppy seconds comment when he was clearly, CLEARLY talking about Rachel Hunter and not everyone’s favorite Cleft Chin. And although I understand why, since he’s been back from suspension he’s been acting like a catholic queer. But I say no. I like Avery as an agitating fuck-up better than a mediocre winger. And what better way for him to finish pissing of the rest of the hockey world than manifesting his jealousy for Ovechkin’s Negro-Inspired “Street Wear” clothing line with a some elbows to the throat and maybe, just maybe if the Rangers lose the series, he lashes out by telling the press he impregnated John Tortorella’s daughter? (I don't ask for much) In other words, Avery, stop being a faggot.

Brittany Tortorella, a reason to enroll at the University of Tampa!

Prediction faithful to the CLS Motto: This’ll make us look retarded in the future:
This series looks to be a no brainier for the Capitals. As Alex Oven emerges as the Anti-Crosby this feels like the year they make a serious run at the cup. Caps in sies.

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